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Another long day and over two-hundred miles on the road; then, I took my dogs out to play. I, finally, got home exhausted, even as I had left that day sick and fatigued. Indeed, a friend had heard the tiredness in my voice the night before, and had spoken of much needed rest.
When back home, alone again, the shower felt wonderful. The pain was still present, the anguish was waiting at the door, knocking to be let in.
Then, I had one of those moments. You know, a moment when you stop, for you are positively startled at want you say or do out of character. You may think, "Did I really say that?" I said out loud to God, "Okay, I am ready to feel the pain."
That was not the usual Brian. He has been "gifted" at repressing and denying emotional pain, even at using prayer to deny or avoid anguish. Once his District Superintendent said to him, after he experienced burn-out, and several years after a divorce, "Brian, it was like you just went right on with your life." I did, like nothing had happened, thinking that was the healthy thing to do.
Some of you likely resonate with what I say. You know how you have tried to detour around grief or rush on and leave it behind.
"Anguish" is a painful sounding word, echoing feelings of grief and other emotional suffering The word means "excruciating or acute distress, suffering, or pain." It originated in the 12th Century and is from the Latin augustia, "tight place."
Grief does feel like a tight place. We often attempt to avoid that closed-in feeling. We want to break out as soon as possible. Another response is anger; so, we can see why "anger" is related in word history with "anguish."
Psalm 42 has the community singing of anguish. The song reads, in verse 7 (NLT):
Your vicious waves
have swept over me
like an angry ocean
or a roaring waterfall.
Water, at times, is a positive symbol in Scripture, at times, not so. Here, water speaks of anguish: grief at the sense of God's absence, a feeling of uncontrollable chaos, death of the familiar, a sense of being treated unfairly.... You have had those same feelings, have you not?
The Psalms show us, as do Jesus' prayers in Gethsemane and on the cross, how anguish itself can be prayer. Patrick Hannon, in "Depressed? Who, Me?," shares his experience of a time of deep, lingering depression. He recalls, regarding the morning reading of Psalms with other religious, after he could barely get himself out of bed and get dressed, due to depression, that the psalms seemed "bemusing at best, cruelly ironic at worst." Yet, in time he came to identify with the psalms, saying...
... I [would] come to appreciate that the gnawing pain of anguish that I felt those mornings was prayer, and though it seemed as if God had turned a deaf ear to my constant pleas, in retrospect, God was there with me, sharing my suffering, making it His own.
*Gregory F. Augustine Pierce, Ed. Hidden Presence.
I recall a similar time. I served a church as pastor. On some Sundays, during a difficult time, I would get to the Sunday worship and barely be able to muster strength to lead the Worship Service. Somehow, I would survive, amidst my anguish putting on my face a smile and depending on the Holy Spirit to help me. When the time for giving the sermon came, the Spirit of Christ would enable me to present what I needed to say and with all my heart. Possibly, anguish itself was part of the worship and preaching, a heartache God shared with me in ways unknown to the people or me,but that was as valid as if I had been yelling and jumping with exclamations of delight.
Then, some of us are more prone to anguish than other persons. Some persons appear to be more resilient, less prone to feelings like depression. I am of the former. So, I have to allow the feelings of grief and heartache to take the form of voiced and silent prayer. I have to recall I am not less a person because of a proneness to anguish and other emotional suffering, only a certain type of person. I have to remember this can become prayer and, thereby, a way to connect with Christ and with other persons in emotional grief. Anguish can be a gift, one to receive in love and share with those who need to know they are not alone in their emotional distress.
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*Material on "anguish" from Dictionary.com Unabridged .
*Charitable contributions would be appreciated to assist Brian in the continuance of his work of ministry. For contributions, contact Brian at barukhattah@embarqmail.com .
*Brian's book of spiritual love poetry, An Ache for Union: Oneness with God through Love, can be ordered through major booksellers, or through the Cokesbury on-line store, at www.cokesbury.com .
*Brian K. Wilcox, a United Methodist Pastor, lives in Southwest Florida. Brian is vowed through Greenbough House of Prayer, a contemplative Christian community in South Georgia. He lives a vowed, contemplative life and inspires others to a more intimate relationship with Christ. Brian advocates for a spiritually-focused, experiential Christianity and renewal of the Church through addressing the deeper spiritual needs and longings of persons.
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